Planet of Hats


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Episode 2.13: Obsession


The best part of this episode is where Spock and McCoy, quite rightly, discuss whether they should declare Kirk unfit for command because of his reckless behaviour regarding the fog creature. Then they confront Kirk, and Kirk basically says, "Yes, I'm behaving recklessly, but I'm a starship captain! I'm supposed to take risks!" And Spock and McCoy just go, "Oh, yeah, fair enough. Carry on, then."

I showed this strip to a friend and he laughed out loud when he read, "Call me Ishmael." Then he asked me, "Is that his name in the actual episode? I can't tell when it's something you're making up and when it's something genuinely ridiculous in the episode."


Captain's log, Stardate 3619.2. Scouting Argus X for tritanium.
Kirk: Wait. Last time I smelt this sweet odour, a strange fog thing killed 200 people!
Kirk: {to three redshirts} You three, go check it out.
{sick bay}
Caption: Two of them die.
McCoy: And Ensign Rizzo is nearly dead.
Kirk: Rizzo, did you smell it? Was it... a creature?
Rizzo: Uh, sure, whatever. Can I have more painkiller, doc?
{Chapel pulls a sheet over Rizzo in background}
McCoy: Every red blood cell drained. Impossible!
Kirk: Check records on USS Farragut, eleven years ago.
Spock: We must deliver vital medical supplies to Theta 7.
Kirk: No! You heard Rizzo! It's a malevolent creature! We stay here until I kill it!
Garrovick: Security duty officer reporting, sir.
Kirk: You're new here. What's your name?
Garrovick: Ensign Garrovick. But call me Ishmael.
Kirk: Well, Ishmael, get two men and let's go get revenge for Rizzo.
Caption: Two more men die.
Garrovick: I hesitated! If I'd been faster, they wouldn't have died!
Kirk: The same as me on the Farragut...
Kirk: Ishmael, you're confined to quarters!
Spock: Doctor, I suggest the captain is obsessed with this fog creature, thus endangering millions on Theta 7.
McCoy: You want to remove him from command again? Twice in two weeks??
Spock: It worked out okay last time.
McCoy: Jim, you're obsessed. I'm filing a psychological incompetency report.
Kirk: Allow me to talk my way out of it without actually changing any of my behaviour.
McCoy: Oh, well, that's good enough for me, then. Carry on.
Chekov: The fog creature is leaving the planet!
Kirk: After it! Warp 8!
Scotty: The engines cannae take it!
Kirk: Warp 9!
Chekov: It's in the air vents! We had them open to space for some reason!
Chekov: It's going to Ensign Garrovick's quarters.
Kirk: {running from the bridge} Ishmael!!
Garrovick: Spock blocked the vent with his bare hands.
Spock: Fortunately my blood is based on copper, not iron.
Chekov: {over intercom} Kiptain, it's gone back to the planet!
Kirk: Let's blow it up with an antimatter bomb!
Scotty: I don't suppose ye'll be wantin' a remote trigger? Ye'd rather take it down personally and use yeself as bait?
Kirk: Bingo!
Caption: Crazy plan works.
Kirk: All right, we blew up half a planet, destroying the Federation's only source of tritanium. Let's deliver those drugs.
Spock: Your assessment of the captain's fitness to command?
McCoy: A-okay!

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