Planet of Hats


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Episode 2.12: The Deadly Years


In this episode, Kirk once again shows that he can wander into sick bay and within two minutes solve a medical problem which has had his senior medical officer and science officer completely baffled for days. He really missed his calling as a medical researcher.

I wrote the following additional dialogue for this strip, but couldn't fit it in:

Chapel: I have a serum ready.
McCoy: It will either cure... or kill!
Kirk: Test it on me.
McCoy: I wanted to test it on myself.
Kirk: That's an order!

And there was the whole random former-love-interest subplot with Kirk and Dr Wallace, which I've mostly ignored since it's the same as every other Kirk-former-love-interest subplot. Except this one has no explanation whatsoever for why the woman is on board the Enterprise, and doesn't resolve anything about their relationship as it's pushed completely into the background by the main plot at the end of the episode. And of course we never hear anything about Dr Wallace again after this episode.


Captain's log, Stardate 3478.2. Resupplying scientific colony on Gamma Hydra IV.
Kirk: Where are they? Fan out. Chekov, check that building.
{Chekov finds an almost mummified body}
Chekov: YAAARGHH!!
Robert Johnson: I'm Robert Johnson. I'm 29 years old. Elaine here is 27.
McCoy: Boo-yah! It's a PLAGUE!
{Enterprise bridge}
Commodore Stocker: Captain, I suggest Starbase 10 has more extensive medical facilities. And you may wish to quarantine the evacuated staff.
Kirk: Very reasonable, Commodore Stocker. But we're staying here, and not quarantining those patients!
Caption: Random former love-interest of Kirk {arrow pointing at Dr Janet Wallace}
{sick bay}
Caption: Inevitably:
McCoy: They're dead, Jim
Kirk: Scotty! You're old!
McCoy: More PLAGUE!
McCoy: Everyone in the landing party except Chekov is aging rapidly. Mentally too.
Commodore Stocker: I suggest quarantine for the affected crew.
Kirk: Nonsense! They can still perform critical duties. Where's that fuel report?
Yeoman Atkins: You already signed it, sir.
Kirk: Eh? Get off my lawn!
Kirk: Maybe it's a Romulan weapon. We're near the Neutral Zone.
Spock: No, I've confirmed it's radiation from a passing comet.
Kirk: How about that comet that passed by? Check that out.
Commodore Stocker: Mr Spock, Captain Kirk's mental faculties seem to be affected. I think it would be prudent for you to take command.
Spock: I too am affected. As ranking officer, you must take command.
Commodore Stocker: I'm a desk jockey! I can't command a starship!
Spock: Very reasonable. But nevertheless...
Commodore Stocker: Okay... uh... take us to Starbase 10.
Sulu: Through the Neutral Zone?
Commodore Stocker: Would that be bad?
Kirk: {in background} Spock. Spo-o-o-ock! You... were my number one guy!
Caption: Nah, it's just an ACT OF WAR.
{Romulan ships firing on Enterprise}
{sick bay}
Kirk: Well, let's see if I can help in sick bay.
McCoy: I've tried everything to stop this PLAGUE!
Kirk: Chekov was frightened. Try adrenaline.
McCoy: Okay, everything except the usual treatment for radiation sickness.
Caption: She's an endocrinologist {arrow pointing at Dr Janet Wallace}
Caption: Kirk is cured and saves the day with a clever bluff!
Kirk: That's it, Romulans, flee our corbomite device!
Kirk: And stay off our lawn!!
Caption: Past romance remains unresolved {arrow pointing at Dr Janet Wallace}

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