Planet of Hats


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Episode 1.23: A Taste of Armageddon


Ambassador Fox isn't quite as smarmy and annoying as Commissioner Ferris. He does begin on equal footing, but once Fox beams down to Eminiar 7 and realises the situation, he quickly does a U-turn and becomes both reasonable and surprisingly competent in a physical danger situation.


Captain's log, Stardate 3192.1. Carrying Ambassador Fox to Eminiar 7 to open diplomatic relations.
Uhura: Signal, sir. "Do not approach our planet under any circumstances."
Fox: Approach the planet!
Kirk: Hey, I break the rules around here!
Fox: I have the authority to beam down as ambassador. That's regulations.
Kirk: Sorry, no cigar. I'm beaming down first. That's one broken rule each!
Mea: I'm Mea 3. This is Anan 7 and the High Council.
Anan: Welcome, Captain. We're at war with Vendikar, the third planet in our system. They're attacking this city now!
Yeoman Tamura: I detect no explosions or radiation, Captain.
Anan: The attack is computed. Designated casualties have 24 hours to report for disintegration.
Spock: You use Earth time?
Anan: We speak English.
Spock: Touche.
Kirk: This "war" is barbaric!
Anan: It's cleaner than real weapons. Our civilisation survives. Your ship is declared hit, by the way. Your crew must report for disintegration.
Kirk: Over my dead body!
Anan: Very well. Imprison them!
Kirk: Wait, let me reconsider.
Uhura: Someone who sounds like Captain Kirk on the line, Mr Scott.
Kirk-like voice: {over radio} Good news, everyone! The Eminians are friendly! Beam down everyone immediately!
Scotty: Everyone?
Kirk-like voice: Er, yes. Eminians with no starship technology will go up to look after the ship.
Kirk: We need to escape. Can you telepathically influence the guard through the door?
Spock: Yes, but only in this episode - never before, or again.
Mea: I'm a casualty, reporting for disintegration.
Kirk: Oh, no you don't!
SFX: Zap!
Mea: You destroyed the disintegrator! You've doomed us all to a horrible death!
Kirk: Is that irony?
Mea: I think so...
Lieutenant DePaul: The Eminians are attacking! Powerful sonic vibrations!
Scotty: That can affect us in orbit? Now the haggis is in the fire!
Note: Actual line
Fox: It's some sort of misunderstanding.
Anan: This is Anan 7 of the Eminian High Council. Sorry, it was a misunderstanding. You can lower your shields.
Fox: Told you. Lower shields. That's an order, Mr Scott.
Scotty: No, I won't. I can break rules too!
Kirk: Destroy the war computer, Spock!
Anan: Nooo! Vendikar will launch real weapons!
Kirk: War is a curious game. The only way to win is not to play. Yes, I've given you back the horrors of war. And of a Patrick Stewart moralising speech!
Kirk: Now call up Vendikar and negotiate peace.
Spock: There's a chance it may work, Captain.
Kirk: Thank you, Spock.
Spock: On the other hand, you may have just doomed two entire planetary civilisations.
Kirk: You win some, you lose some.

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