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No. 958: Edward Goreyfield

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Edward Goreyfield

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Strip by: DanielBT

SFX: scratch scratch scratch
Caption: When they opened the door on that wild winter night,
Caption: They expected no one - and was met with a sight
Caption: In front of them stood a creature seething with smarm
Caption: Whose peculiar appearance gave them cause for alarm.
SFX: Zoom!
Garfield: I'm one of the few mammals who can breathe under food.
Caption: All at once it leapt inside in search of a goal,
Caption: Where it chose to bury its nose in a bowl.
Jon: Why don't you ever listen to me?
Garfield: Huh?
Off-screen: Z
Garfield: Z
Caption: It was seemingly deaf to whatever was said,
Caption: So at last they gave up, and went back to bed.
Jon: Where's the pan?
Garfield: Resting not so comfortably.
Caption: The next morning it presently devoured
Caption: Two dozen meals in the course of an hour.
SFX: Rip
SFX: Crash
Caption: It wrenched off the channel knob from the TV,
Caption: And could not be persuaded to leave it be.
Garfield: I do not!
Jon: What the?
SFX: slosh
Caption: It denied a great liking for peering down flues,
Caption: And for pouring coffee inside running shoes.
SFX: shake shake shake
SFX: kachink-kachink-kachink-
Caption: At times it would censor whole chapters from books,
Caption: Or put rooms full of pictures askew on their hooks.
Jon: Arrrrgh!
Caption: Every Sunday it slept and lay on the floor,
Caption: Inconveniently close to the front-room door.
Jon: Garfield!
Caption: Now and then it would simply disappear for lunch,
Caption: But alas, be found swimming inside the punch.
Jon: Garfield!
Caption: It was subject to fits of bewildering jest,
Caption: During which it would take all the paper from the toilet.
Garfield: zzz
Garfield: zzz
Caption: In the day through the house it would purposefully lumber,
Caption: Despite not be convincing of being aslumber.
Garfield: This isn't junk. This is my stuff.
SFX: Kong!
Caption: It would carry around objects it greatly liked,
Caption: And save them by throwing them into the dike.
Garfield: Maybe a tad long, though.
Garfield: I'm still here.
Caption: It came forty-three years ago - and ever since then
Caption: It has shown no intention of leaving again.

The author writes:

I originally wanted to replace Gorey's illustrations of the intrusive guest with images of Opus the Penguin since there were several poses where he would've fit perfectly. Sadly, due to my lack of Photoshop skills, it simply never got started. As a compromise, I settled for satirising The Doubtful Guest with Garfield instead.

Like many satires, it's funnier if you're already familiar with the original version.

Original strips: 1984-12-23, 2002-01-01, 2006-06-02, 1991-12-08, 1988-03-04, 2002-10-06, 1993-10-04, 1978-11-25, 1990-02-09, 1983-10-23, 1987-12-19, 1986-03-23, 1987-10-03, 1987-06-07, 1993-06-01, 1980-12-31, 1988-07-19, 1979-09-16, 1984-09-23, 1983-10-02, 1989-11-18, 2000-08-30.