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No. 1: Spaceman Spiff

Spaceman Spiff

First | 2015-06-02 | Next | Latest

Strip by: Cody

{Calvin's alterego Spaceman Spiff}
Calvin: {narrating} Our hero, the valiant Spaceman Spiff, is marooned on a strange world...
Calvin: I'll set my mertilizer on "deep fat fry."
Calvin: ...we join Spaceman Spiff on the distant planet Zorg...
Creature: GRONK! ARGH!
Calvin: Zounds!
Calvin: {narrating}Trapped by a hiddeous Graknil, Spiff draws his trusty atomic napalm neutralizer!
Calvin: Chew electric death, snarling cur!
Calvin: But the weapon is useless! Spiff is doomed!!
Calvin: Our hero makes a break, and ducks into a nearby cave!
{a dark room}
Calvin: Weeooo! What's that awful smell?
{Calvin is surrounded by monsters}
Spiff: Eep!
{now in space}
{Calvin is flying in his spaceship}
Calvin: Spaceman Spiff, conqueror of the cosmos, is pursued by the hideous scum beings of planet Q-13!
{a larger ship is behind Spiff's}
Calvin: Spiff's hyper-freem drive malfunctions! The aliens close in!
Calvin: Suddenly, a searing bolt of deadly frap ray slices across the blackness! Our hero is unfazed.
{the ship is hit by a second ray}
Calvin: Another bolt! Spiff is hit!!
SFX: PLOOIE!
Calvin: The altitude flaps refuse to respond, but fearless Spiff is unfazed!
{the ship is spiraling out of control}
Calvin: Spiff is going down! Can he make it?? Is this the end?!?
Calvin: Fortunately, our hero always buckles up!
{the ship has crash-landed}
Calvin: The fearless Spaceman Spiff has crashed on a distant world!
Calvin: Unscathed, the fearless space explorer emerges from the scoldering wreckage! He is marooned on a hostile world!
Calvin: Scorched by twin suns, the planet is nothing but barren rock and methane! There's no hope of finding food or water!
Calvin: The planet's atmosphere is thick with noxious fumes and gases! Our hero can hardly breathe.
Calvin: Spiff must find help quickly... but is there any life on this hostile world?
Calvin: Spiff collapses! Oh no, a hideous alien spots him! In his weakened state, Spiff is no match for the monster! This could be the end!!
{now behind bars}
Calvin: The courageous Spaceman Spiff has been captured by the hideous Zorgs of planet X-13!
{Calvin is being led downstairs by one of the Zorgs}
Calvin: Led through the dank, corridors of the dungeon, Spiff looks in vain for an opportunity to escape!
{Calvin is taken into a throne room}
Calvin: Our hero is brought before the Zorg despot!
Leader: So, this is the famed space explorer Spiff! I've waited a long time for this moment, Earthling scum!
Leader: You have knowledge we need. Cooperate, and we'll kill you rather painlessly.
Calvin: Let's dispense with the pleasantries, you twisted space crustacean.
{the leader grabs Calvin}
Calvin: Spiff fires his blaster, but the weapon is useless against the monster!
Calvin: The daring Spaceman Spiff lays waste with his death ray zorcher, but he is hopelessly outnumbered!
{Calvin is handcuffed}
Calvin: !!!
Creature: You had your chance, Earthling! Take him to the interrogation room!
{the creature laughs}
{now on a planet}
Calvin: Our hero is marooned alone on an alien world!
Calvin: Undaunted, Spiff sets out to find help!
Calvin: {climbing up a ledge} Miles later, it is evident the planet is completely uninhabited!
Calvin: Suddenly, the ground begins to shake! A cloud of dust appears on the horizon!
Calvin: In the distance, methane clouds rain sodium hydroxide, a caustic alkali!
Calvin: {starts running} Oh no! The downpour was too heavy for the ground to absorb! A steaming river of corrosive liquid rushes toward our hero!
Calvin: {starts climbing} The brave Spaceman Spiff scrambles to higher ground, but the flood continues to rise!
Calvin: {stops and looks at a green blob with an eyeball stemming from its head} Alas, Spaceman Spiff only discovers a hideous blob so monumentally stupid that it just stares straight ahead, completely unaware of anything around it!
Calvin: {trips} OOF! Spiff quickly realizes that this planet has only a fraction of Earth's gravity!
Calvin: {leaping through the air} With practice, our hero soon finds he can bound effortlessly across the landscape!
{beat}
Calvin: What a strange planet this is! Its surface is surprisingly soft and porous!
Calvin: And here curious geysers blast hot air!
{the ground suddenly opens to reveal huge, sharp teeth}
Calvin: {!!!!} Suddenly it dawns on him! Spiff is not on the planet's surface at all! He's walking on a reclining alien!!
{the scene changes to Calvin on his parents' bed}
Calvin: {pointing a toy gun towards his sleeping dad} Our hero sets his death ray blaster.
Calvin's Dad: ZZ..mmf hm?

The author writes:

Welcome to iToons! Being the first strip, I wanted to start the readers off strongly. So what better way to start off than with a Calvin and Hobbes comic? I decided to stitch together multiple panels from several of Calvin's Spaceman Spiff fantasies into a single, coherent story. All in all, I think it came out surprisingly good.

I used most of the larger Sunday "Spaceman Spiff" strips.